i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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