Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
