I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
