HIV tests are more positive than that guy
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Randomize
