hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
