also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
