I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
not ubering you a puppy
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
