just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
