Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
