I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
