i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
