i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
