I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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