You're earring is so big in my mouth
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
