I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
