A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
