He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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