sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
