I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
