I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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