I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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