I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
