I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
