I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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