i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
