stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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