margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
