I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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