we're chasing vodka with high fives
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
