don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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