Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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