last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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