Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
