Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
