lets start a swedish sibling band together
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
