if you like me you must not know who I am
I just saw a hot homeless man
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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