Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
