omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
