Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
