He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Randomize
