yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
