I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
