Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
just tell him i said nine months
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
