i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
