Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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