oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Randomize
