In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
