i need an iv and a liver transplant
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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