I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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