It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
